Things I've Learned In 60 Days
Well it's been a rough and wonderful two and half months. For those of you who didn't know, in the month of July I found out that I was losing my job due to the acquisition of the company I was working for and in the same day found out that my mom's health problems were most definitely attributed to a very aggressive cancer. In the following weeks I prepared myself for the worst and made several trips to see mom, but by the time I could swallow one discouraging update, another spoonful was ready to be served. As surreal and hard as it is to say, mom went to be with Jesus on the afternoon of Wednesday, August 4th.
I am writing this particular blog almost entirely for myself. I hope that someone is blessed by it, but mostly I feel that part of the grieving process for me is to continue talking about mom, about her life, about her death and about her legacy. This blog however, will be more specific to sorting out my emotions and thoughts through this whole set of events. It is more a list of things that I have learned in the last 60 days.
1. God is Sovereign. I preach and teach that thought to almost everyone that I come in contact with, however through the news about the job and the news about mom I was more than acutely aware that the Lord was giving me a chance to experience and test His sovereignty with hopes that I would not arrive at the end of the chapter dissappointed. Thankfully as I look back on everything that has happened I see His absolute sovereignty in everything. Renewed relationships because of neccesary visits with mom, time to travel because of a job lost and a move in a direction of full time ministry due to provisions that mom left that would otherwise have been nearly impossible for a few more years.
2. One matures more through loss than through gain. I am 31 and I have 5 children, two cars and a house that I purchased a few years back. I am not a child, however I have learned through this whole experience that I have never felt more adult-like than I have in the past two months. When you buy your first vehicle, your first house or when you have your first child there is definitely a maturing process, but when you lose your first job or your first close relative the maturation process is exponential in growth because it is exponential in suffering. I imagine that no one is forced to grow in emotions or spirit when gaining a home or a child. It actually seems quite natural. When one is pruned by pain/loss however, our soul, mind and strength are, although restistant, forced to stretch so that we can simply endure the pain. This realization helps to understand why a lifetime of sanctification for the Christian can be so hard......and why the image of Christ (whom we all aim to conform to) is so beautiful.
3. Flesh against Spirit. The hardest part about being a Christian and losing mom is reconciling my beliefs about the glory of the death of one of God's children according to scripture and the reality of how little glory there is when I stood in front of my mom's body in the casket and felt the sting of the grave for the first time in my life. My first thought, "there is no glory in this." Honestly, I am still wrestling with this thought. One the one hand I never waivered in my beliefs and on the other hand I can still feel the dull pain of seeing my mother in that cold, gray, lifeless state in a wooden box covered in flowers that awkwardly and unsuccessfully tried to make death look very pretty and happy. I've been to many funerals and I can say this was the first time that the person in the casket looked like they should not have been there. It was very unnatural. I know that everyone that has lost a loved one can relate to that thought and I know I am not the only one, but it is such a individualistic thing to process that no one could ever really understand until they have been through it. My encouragement with continuing to struggle through this is words from older saints in the faith who have told me that the older I get and the more time that passes, that my spirit grows stronger and my body weaker and eventually I will have complete understanding of this wrestling match and how it has been rigged. The body was never meant to win. This spirit always triumphs in Christ and that is my hope and my salvation.
4. Not my faith alone. Two months ago I would have told you that I think my faith would get me through anything. While there is some truth to that I think the truer statement would be "I am convinced that my faith and the faith of my brothers and sisters in Christ will get me through anything." Left to walk this path alone, even a Christian with the strongest faith can fall victim to an attack that kills. Like a soldier who leaves the safety of his troop so is a Christian that is not surrounded by other Christians. My Christian friends and family are a huge reason that my walk through the past few months was even achievable. Community is not a small group but a spirit and a bond that I share with many people in my church and with men and women live far away that were my backbone and support when I could not be in three places at once. I have not sensed the spirit of Christ more than I did through the lives and actions and grace and love of those that I am honored to call my friends. To them I say thank you and hope to be there when they are in need of covering and support from a fellow soldier and brother in the faith.
I am writing this particular blog almost entirely for myself. I hope that someone is blessed by it, but mostly I feel that part of the grieving process for me is to continue talking about mom, about her life, about her death and about her legacy. This blog however, will be more specific to sorting out my emotions and thoughts through this whole set of events. It is more a list of things that I have learned in the last 60 days.
1. God is Sovereign. I preach and teach that thought to almost everyone that I come in contact with, however through the news about the job and the news about mom I was more than acutely aware that the Lord was giving me a chance to experience and test His sovereignty with hopes that I would not arrive at the end of the chapter dissappointed. Thankfully as I look back on everything that has happened I see His absolute sovereignty in everything. Renewed relationships because of neccesary visits with mom, time to travel because of a job lost and a move in a direction of full time ministry due to provisions that mom left that would otherwise have been nearly impossible for a few more years.
2. One matures more through loss than through gain. I am 31 and I have 5 children, two cars and a house that I purchased a few years back. I am not a child, however I have learned through this whole experience that I have never felt more adult-like than I have in the past two months. When you buy your first vehicle, your first house or when you have your first child there is definitely a maturing process, but when you lose your first job or your first close relative the maturation process is exponential in growth because it is exponential in suffering. I imagine that no one is forced to grow in emotions or spirit when gaining a home or a child. It actually seems quite natural. When one is pruned by pain/loss however, our soul, mind and strength are, although restistant, forced to stretch so that we can simply endure the pain. This realization helps to understand why a lifetime of sanctification for the Christian can be so hard......and why the image of Christ (whom we all aim to conform to) is so beautiful.
3. Flesh against Spirit. The hardest part about being a Christian and losing mom is reconciling my beliefs about the glory of the death of one of God's children according to scripture and the reality of how little glory there is when I stood in front of my mom's body in the casket and felt the sting of the grave for the first time in my life. My first thought, "there is no glory in this." Honestly, I am still wrestling with this thought. One the one hand I never waivered in my beliefs and on the other hand I can still feel the dull pain of seeing my mother in that cold, gray, lifeless state in a wooden box covered in flowers that awkwardly and unsuccessfully tried to make death look very pretty and happy. I've been to many funerals and I can say this was the first time that the person in the casket looked like they should not have been there. It was very unnatural. I know that everyone that has lost a loved one can relate to that thought and I know I am not the only one, but it is such a individualistic thing to process that no one could ever really understand until they have been through it. My encouragement with continuing to struggle through this is words from older saints in the faith who have told me that the older I get and the more time that passes, that my spirit grows stronger and my body weaker and eventually I will have complete understanding of this wrestling match and how it has been rigged. The body was never meant to win. This spirit always triumphs in Christ and that is my hope and my salvation.
4. Not my faith alone. Two months ago I would have told you that I think my faith would get me through anything. While there is some truth to that I think the truer statement would be "I am convinced that my faith and the faith of my brothers and sisters in Christ will get me through anything." Left to walk this path alone, even a Christian with the strongest faith can fall victim to an attack that kills. Like a soldier who leaves the safety of his troop so is a Christian that is not surrounded by other Christians. My Christian friends and family are a huge reason that my walk through the past few months was even achievable. Community is not a small group but a spirit and a bond that I share with many people in my church and with men and women live far away that were my backbone and support when I could not be in three places at once. I have not sensed the spirit of Christ more than I did through the lives and actions and grace and love of those that I am honored to call my friends. To them I say thank you and hope to be there when they are in need of covering and support from a fellow soldier and brother in the faith.
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